The title of this plainly explains itself. Although my past has much complexity, I am seeking for this to be the ultimate turning point. The past four years have been consumed with a variety of things. I have tried to figure out this thing we call life. I have had much happiness, heartache, pain, surprises, love, joy, hopefulness, guilt, and ultimately it has come down to wondering who I am, and who I have let myself become. I seem to continually find myself running in circles around things I know are not in Gods plan. Not only does that break my heart, but it makes me think of all this time I have wasted with things of utmost unimportance. I know that God has blessed me with a heart full of compassion and grace, and I often wonder why. I know that my heart has become so hardened and hurt that these gifts God has given me no longer show in my life.
To help you understand briefly why the past needs to become the past from this day forward…Here I have found these men who I thought was who God had for me. Obviously I came to realize that it wasn’t. There was so much hurt and pain. I look back and think why, why me God. I wonder if I will ever overcome the shredding of my heart and manipulation to my mind. I wonder if I will ever get a sincere apology or a reason for these men choosing to do such horrible things to me. I want so badly for them to know how much it hurt me. I also wonder if God was giving me clues all along that things weren’t right. I look back and I think he was, but I was so overwhelmed and manipulated by the devil working through these types of men that I didn’t see God. I was trying to do what I thought God wanted me to do by trying to show God to these people in every way I could. By hoping in the best and knowing that God would fix them. But maybe I was just to plant a seed, a painful seed. But I hope that I did what I was suppose to and that God used me. Maybe God knows how strong I really am, and maybe I have no idea how strong of a woman that he has made me. I hope that through my mistakes that God still has a perfect and wonderful plan for my life. I have come across so many people and things trying to ruin that plan, or telling me I will never make it. All of this the past four years has greatly affected my school, work, and social life. I can only pray that it will not hinder my future. But Jeremiah 29:11 clearly states; For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. The scars will never be erased, but the pain will eventually heal. I pray every night that I wake up with a renewing of my mind, only seeming to find myself back in the same rut.
I shed more tears than a rainstorm over someone so hurtful and ungrateful. Only to be told I wasnt pretty enough, smart enough, mature enough, and much more. I have these horrible things carved into my brain. I know this isnt true, I am made in God’s image which is perfect. I know God has better plans for me.
I have come to realize that people take life for granted, thats why we treat people the way we do, without thought. I know for myself I have done many stupid things and have what I call regrets. But I am looking at the new chapter in my life with new eyes. They are not regrets, just learning experiences and God preparing me for the woman I am suppose to be. I might have took a little detour, but I am thankful that God has finally blessed me with some amazing friends who I have recently come to know much more closely. God has blessed me with a wonderful family and great friends. So from this day forward, the past is the past and I am looking at life with a new set of eyes. Yes, I will probably make mistakes, but I hope those of you who know me and my story will be supportive and help me strive for this wonderful life I know God has for me.
This is my challenge to you as well as for myself…. Don’t take life for granted, each day is a gift from God, don’t waste a single moment.
